


Snowpatrol

by soft_bucky



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, But not cutting, Eating Disorder, Harry Styles - Freeform, Harry is really just a great boyfriend, If you squint you can see a Ziam relationship, Louis Tomlinson - Freeform, M/M, Mention of Liam, Mention of Niall - Freeform, Mention of Zayn, Niall Zayn Louis Liam friendship, Occasional flash back, One Shot, mention of self harm, possible trigger
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-11
Updated: 2013-05-11
Packaged: 2017-12-11 12:29:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/798740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soft_bucky/pseuds/soft_bucky
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry thinks Louis is beautiful. Louis thinks he isn’t.<br/>+<br/>Harry thinks Louis is like summer. From the tan that he manages to sport no matter what season, to the cerulean blue of his eyes, to the smattering of the barely there freckles across his cheeks and bridge of his nose. Louis thinks he is like winter. Cold, on the inside and outside. Exposed and empty like the stripped bare trees shivering in the bitter wind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Snowpatrol

Harry thinks Louis is beautiful. Louis thinks he isn’t.

+

Harry thinks Louis is like summer. From the tan that he manages to sport no matter what season, to the cerulean blue of his eyes, to the smattering of the barely there freckles across his cheeks and bridge of his nose. Louis thinks he is like winter. Cold, on the inside and outside. Exposed and empty like the stripped bare trees shivering in the bitter wind.

~o~

It was his fault that he has an eating disorder. At that’s what he is constantly telling himself as he wakes up each and every morning. It’s not that he doesn’t try, he does. Even if it’s just for the sake of his boyfriend Harry.

He starts by making his tea the way he likes it; although not really since the way he truly loved it was with a splash of milk and four sugars. But that’s one hundred calories right there that he can’t spare, so he doesn’t add anything to it except two packets of splenda which leaves the faint bitter taste of chemicals or chlorine on his tongue but is better than drinking it with nothing at all.

The man wraps his hands around the mug to coax temporary warmth to his icily cold hands.

Then he manages to nibble on half a piece of toast; carbs sit too heavy in his stomach and he can’t stand the feeling of being heavy. And maybe half a piece of fruit if he’s lucky. But that’s it for the day. Any more and his stomach is in knots, not being used to having to digest more than that (since it hasn’t in two years) and he’ll be completely disgusted with himself and scratching his arms raw as punishment. Any less and he’ll be even thinner than he is now and end up sick.

Hell. If he shifts just right, the knobs of his spine will most likely be visible. But it’s harder to see that through the sweaters and sweatshirts and pullover hoodies that he wears. To cover up the pudge of a stomach that he can never seem to get rid of and to keep him warm due to the fact that he was always cold from poor circulation.

-

So it’s not that he doesn’t eat because he does. Usually if someone finds out, they automatically assume he doesn’t eat. He just wants to shout _“I do! I do eat!”_ But he doesn’t. He never does and never will.

Harry knows though. He knows how much is too much but makes sure that Louis gets enough to eat. He can’t force his boyfriend to just suddenly eat three meals a day and one thousand+ calories. Once he tried to get Louis to increase his intake just a little. Nothing major, but it was physically and mentally impossible for Louis to do it.

After the older man broke down, Harry took them to his bed and cuddled him close until his erratic, panicked breaths slowed into ones of rest.

So when Harry sees him eat something; anything, his green eyes look at Louis with proudness and love peaking through the depths of the green.

But “No one likes boys that are fat.” So Louis doesn’t understand why Harry does.

~o~

It started out simply enough. Well maybe not simply, but Louis doesn’t quite know what word to describe the beginning. But this; the eating disorder, the self harm has turned into something of punishment.

In his maths class in uni, all the students have to take a practice test that is like their upcoming finals. Louis starts on the test but soon finds that he knows about half of what is on the hundred question exam.

About a third of a way through after guessing on the thirteenth question so far (he’s counted,) he feels tears of frustration prick his eyes as he sighs quietly under his breath. He tries; really does, but dejectedly hands his packet to his professor and makes his way up the aisles back to his seat. He sits back in his chair and waits for time to pass so he can be out of here.

He feels so stupid and inferior and his thoughts get racing. He knows, just positively knows that he is going to fail his final exam. No one notices his hands up the opposite sleeve of his sweater, hands clenched; nails digging deeply into the flesh of his forearms enough to leave red angry crescent moons and pull a couple drops of blood from the wounds.

~o~

He and Harry have a fight that day and it tears him apart because while he may not understand why Harry says “I love you” to someone like him and stays with him, he really wants Harry to stay. So when he walks out of Louis’ flat and slams the door, after the initial moment and anger and shock dissipated; he cries.

Of course he would drive one of the only people that care about him away. Of course Harry got to his breaking point and this was it. Louis knew he would leave eventually so it must be now. Since they’ve had petty spats before; what couple doesn’t, but nothing where one leaves angry and slamming the door.

He manages to make his way into his bedroom and crawls under the covers. He squeezes his eyes shut and tries to stop the pain of yet another person leaving him; especially his Harry from running through his veins. But it doesn’t work.

See? This is why he is most definitely winter. Grey, white, but no color. Harry was the only bit of color in his life. Bright hues of green, the pale golden yellow of the sun in early morning, deep reds of passion.

He wraps his arms around his middle to try and keep himself together. His nails pinch at the skin on his stomach and at his ribs. It does a lot of good at distracting him from what he’s feeling.

The sound of the door opening and gently shutting with the click of the lock doesn’t register to him. He doesn’t even look like he notices. What with being occupied and all. But when a strong pair of arms wrap around him and hold him tightly, close to their body, he does notice that.

“Lou. I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry.” Harry murmurs into the skin of his neck. From this angle, the ends of his hair tickle at Louis’ skin. He pulls the covers over their shoulders because he could feel Louis shiver in his arms; from being cold mostly but also from the overwhelming emotions.

“I- I thought you left me. Knew it would happen.” Louis sniffs.

“I would never leave you. I’ll be here until the point that you start to believe that. I shouldn’t have left like that. Christ I shouldn’t have left you alone. I knew I shouldn’t. That’s why I came back.” Harry kisses into his neck.

~o~

Primary wasn’t great. He was just the awkward, quiet kid with the really bad bowl haircut and glasses. But he met his three best friends then. Niall in first grade, Liam in second, and Zayn in fourth. They were the four musketeers. That was probably the happiest time of his life. If someone made fun of him, they would step in and defend their friend. Louis would do the same for them if they got teased.

~o~

The first year of secondary school was the best year of his life. He got a better hair cut, begged his mum for contacts, got a tan and became this loud, rambunctious, funny person. His popularity definitely boosted from what it was. Although he still hung out only with Zayn, Liam, and Niall in his free time after school and on the weekends.

The second year was for a bit. But then he met Jake. Jake was his first ever relationship. Harry is only his second.

Things between them were good. But then they weren’t. Jake was his first and through the experience he was gentle and didn’t hurt Louis too much. But then as he was lying in bed with him, Jake’s front pressed against his back. His large hands trailed to his stomach and pinch lightly.

“You’re more chubbier than usual. You just need to lose some weight. No one likes boys that are fat.”

And Louis really likes him so he thinks that it’s alright and maybe just until Jake likes him even more.

-

He eats three healthy meals a day and works out three times a week. But at lunch one time, Jake whispers low in his ear so the boys don’t hear “Do you really need that? It’s obvious what you’re doing isn’t working.”

So Louis bites his lip and pushes his food around on his plate saying he isn’t hungry anymore. His three friends give him looks that range from confused to sympathetic that he doesn’t really make much note of.

-

He eats breakfast and dinner from then out. He might see a minor difference but it’s nothing very noticeable about his appearance.

Jake nitpicks every flaw that he saw in Louis from the barely noticeable smattering of freckles across his nose and cheeks to the crinkles by his eyes when he laughed and smiled to his mainly pointed out one; his stomach and his thighs. “I don’t know why I’m with you to be honest. No one likes boys that are this fat.” Louis likes him a lot so he works so hard not to be fat. To be acceptable for him.

-

It progresses to just one meal a day; usually dinner so his family doesn’t get suspicious.

But then he fails a class on his report card, a kid in his class calls him stupid when he knows the answer while Louis manages to fuck up the question the teacher asked him, and Niall is sick so he’s out of school for the day, Zayn is ditching with his new girlfriend, and Liam has to stay behind for a class. So he’s alone at lunch with Jake which shouldn’t be as bad as he made it out to be since he gets some one on one time with his boyfriend.

Then his mum finds out about his report card and looks at him so disappointed and a little mad. She lectures him, says she expects more from him since he’s the oldest of five and usually gets high marks and sends him up to his room because he’s grounded.

It just sends a bitter feeling through him flooding it’s way into his mind and he makes no move in fighting it. What’s the point when it’s slowly been creeping up on him like a vine snaking it’s way up the side of a old brick house?

He needs to be punished. Needs to have some sort of reprimandment so that’s when he starts to eat less and less calories; choosing to eat a small breakfast and say he had a large lunch around his friends and say he had a large lunch around his parents.

Eventually what he cares about the most is getting rid of the bulbous stomach and doughy thighs. That’s all he fought for. Even when his relationship failed because “No one likes boys that are this skinny” he didn’t fight for it. Jake isn’t what he even wants anymore. All he fought for until Harry a flat stomach, to feel each slot of his ribs, and to be thin.

He doesn’t really think of it as an eating disorder for a while. It’s not until Harry that he addresses it.

~o~

Around his friends he’s almost fine. Almost but never completely okay anymore.

~o~

Louis went out on his way to class to get a cup of tea the way he liked; although not really. Just as he grabs the insulated cup in his hands and turns around, a stranger bumps into him and spills his tea all down his front and on the floor. It would have burned Louis had it not been for the undershirt, then long sleeved shirt, then tee shirt, then sweater he was wearing.

He looks down at the still slightly steaming liquid on the floor as an employee makes their way over to mop it up. He could just cry in frustration because the one thing he looked forward to that day was ruined and he has no extra cash on him.

“God. I’m so clumsy. I’m really sorry.” The man says as he tries to blot up the stain on Louis sweater as best he can. It’s a good thing that it was black; so the stain was barely noticeable.

His head is bowed to the floor as he finishes up his attempt at cleaning it up while Louis just stands there completely still.

“Can I buy you another? I’m really sorry.” His apologetic green eyes look into Louis’.

“No. It’s alright. I should get going.”

“I insist. I can’t go on living with a guilty conscience.” He smiles and two dimples pop out of his cheeks.

Louis blushes and looks down. “Yeah. Alright.”

Stranger leans over to throw the napkins in the bin and walks back up to the front with the shorter man. Louis orders again and they go to make it.

“I’m Harry.” He smiles yet again and Louis can’t help but at least put some effort in meeting with the stranger Harry.

“I’m Louis.” He introduces.

“Well Louis. If you ever want to meet up for drinks sometime without me spilling them you should call me.” Harry presses a folded piece of paper into Louis’ hand that has ten digits in elegant black scrawl on it.

Louis sticks the paper in the front pocket of his jeans and walks away with a smile.

~o~

The second time Zayn and Liam and Niall drag him out on a group outing ice skating. If he doesn’t want to get winded, he has to eat more calories than usual. So he forces himself to eat a slice of whole wheat bread and a scrambled egg. He doesn’t usually purge but has the heavy urge to do so. Every time he eats he gets the urge to get rid of it as fast as possible but with how little he ingests, he doesn’t.

 

Zayn shows up at his door that morning, and they walk downstairs together where the other two are sat in Liam’s car. While Zayn had on a long sleeved shirt, leather gloves, a random navy blue footie jersey of Liam’s over it that hangs off his frame, and a jacket over top; Niall wore two sweatshirts, and Liam being the weird person he is that actually likes the cold and doesn’t feel it that easily so he wears a long sleeved shirt and a pullover; Louis has to wear a undershirt, a long sleeved shirt, a jumper, and his coat.

Even through his layers, at the rink he still occasionally shivers.

They all put on their skates at the rink and as soon as Louis is on the ice, his feet fumble. He flings his arms towards the railing and grabs on for dear life as he skitters around the edge. Meanwhile, Liam and Zayn are holding hands and skating around the edge slowly and Niall is just doing tricks in the middle of the rink.

“Mate do you need help?” Niall asks when he comes over.

Louis shakes his head with a small smile. “No. Go have fun. I’m alright.”

With a ‘Are you sure?’ from Niall and a ‘Yes. Go.’  from Louis, he’s alone once again.

As he sees everyone (minus the little kids) move around easily, he tries to let go. He’s standing still for a moment with his feet pointed inward in the awkward clunky skates to prevent him from moving.

Movement proves to be a difficult thing and he falls flat on his arse on the ice; painfully.

“Do you need some help there?” It’s Harry skating smoothly over to him.

On one hand Louis doesn’t want to get his help but on the other he doesn’t want to freeze to the ice and get stuck there (although he knows that won’t happen it’s still a thought he doesn’t want to have.) So he nods in response.

Harry’s gloved hands reach outstretched towards Louis and heaves the male upwards. Harry slowly skates along next to Louis even though he could tell that Harry could skate as fast as he wanted to.

After a few moments, Harry says “You didn’t call me you know.”

And Louis looks bewildered for a second because yeah Harry was nice but why would he want to be with him? He’s undesirable and unattractive and fat and not boyfriend material. Why put himself out there when he’ll just have his heart broken again?

When Louis looks up at the man next to him, he thinks he’ll look some form of upset but he’s just smiling down softly at Louis. Harry brushes it off though. He takes Louis’ left hand inn his right and manages to keep him standing upright as they make conversation.

A guy with an extremely interesting quiff skates over to Harry and he nods over to him.

“So I have to go but this time, call me.” He says writing his number again on Louis’ palm.

“Do you always have a pen on you?” Louis asks him and it’s meant to be a joke but Harry smiles wide at him, dimples poking out and say “Yes. Always.”

Harry glides away but not before saying “I enjoyed this date Louis.”

~o~  
Louis begs Harry not to tell Niall, Liam, or Zayn when he finds out.

“But Louis. You’re so thin.” He frowns.

He’s really not. He’s not thin. He never has been and certainly isn’t now. Harry has to be lying. But he doesn’t bring it up.

“Harry please. I-I please don’t Harry.” He whimpers close to tears. He hates feeling so vulnerable and weak but there is nothing more that he does not want to happen than what Harry is suggesting.

Harry puts his hands on Louis’ waist and pulls him flush against his body and wraps his arms around his small frame. Louis buries his face into Harry’s chest while Harry rests his head on Louis’ shoulder, nosing at his neck. His heart is thump thumping against his chest. Louis could feel it against his cheek.

“I won’t but you need help Louis. Please.”

“You’re all the help I need. You’re enough.” Louis responds as Harry pulls away.

Harry looks as if he’s going to say more but instead leans down and presses a soft kiss to Louis’ lips. Louis really doesn’t know what he did to deserve Harry.

~o~

As soon as exams are over, everyone either takes a vacation, goes to visit family and friends, or hangs out and parties. Harry insists on going to somewhere warm for vacation and Louis doesn’t have the heart to refuse. It sounds pretty nice actually.

Harry gets two tickets to Spain for him and Louis. Most of the week long trip they lounge on the beach on their beach towels. Harry in shorts and flip flops with his ray bans perched on his nose; having stripped off his shirt as soon as stepping foot on the beach and Louis in his t-shirt and jeans rolled up to mid calf, feeling warm for once in the presence of Harry and the hot Spanish sun beaming down from high in the sky with his aviators on.

His back is pressed against Harry's front with their arms crossed and linked with Harry absently rubbing his thumbs over the faint self made scars over Louis' arms as they watch the people frolic on the sand and the clear blue waves lap at the shore line. Harry thinks Louis is summer like the clear blue water nipping cooly at the tourists and beach goers toes and the warm yellow sun warming them both to the core and the smile that he’s possessing more on this break with Harry. Louis doesn’t.


End file.
